No More Table, Pal!

Not all, but many of the greatest scenes ever created take place at a table.

Naturally I speculate upon the significance of this object. What purpose does a table serve that allows so many great scenes to pop out like a premature pimple?

Perhaps it’s because tables allow for distractive consumption amidst conversation, or maybe because they act as physical barriers against personal differences and force individuals into resolution and personal cultivation. Or perhaps, metaphorically, tables are the archetype of support, often designed from the trees which recycle our air and allow the processes of human sustenance to flourish, they serve the function of intellectual utility, in which great ideas blossom in conversation and debate.

Amidst my struggles for an explanation I came to the conclusion that intellectualizing tables was about as stupid as starting a feminist movement and using the “mama grizzly” as a mascot.

Regardless, below are some of the best scenes in film history, which have an added bonus of some pretty nice tables.

In no particular order.

1. Jaws - I'll Never Put on a Table Again

2. 25th Hour - 62th Table

3. Network - There is Only One Holistic System of Table

4. Mulholland Drive - I Had a Dream About this Table

5. Reservoir Dogs - She's Getting Serious Table Action

6. Boogie Nights - In the Master Bedroom, Under the Table

7. Collateral - Spanish Key Table

Part A

Part B

8. American History X - Nazi Table

9. Goodfellas - Funny Like I'm a Table, I Amuse You?

10. The Dark Knight - Enough of this Table

11. Heat - 60 Seconds or Less Table

12. The Godfather - Vespa Table

13. Fargo - I Like You So Much Table

14. A Few Good Men - Walk Softy and Carry an Armored Table

15. Glengarry Glen Ross - All Tables Smell Vaguely of S*&*

16. My Darling Clementine - To Table or Not to Table (Thanks to Ebert)

17. Training Day - You Ever Have Your Table Pushed In?

Table Scenes with No Embed Codes

18. Jurassic Park - I Call It the Rape of the Natural Table

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Nz8YrCC9X8

19. Citizen Kane - You Never Should Have Married a Newspaper Table

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsjX11zpNjU

20. The Deer Hunter - Mao Table!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqakCa-MysE

What's Your Favorite Table Scene?

Note: After spending over two hours uploading and editing in subtitles for a scene from Kurosawa's Ikiru (due to technical difficulties), Toho Film Company reported me to youtube, which resulted in me receiving a warning and threat of shutting down my account. I fail to understand how allowing others to view the greatness of a particular movie scene results in any form of threat. If anything, I have put time and energy into free advertising for the movie. Should someone have liked the scene, they could have rented or purchased the film in its entirety. This type of action is completely irrational and unproductive in acquiring new film audiences and viewers.

Traffic Circles

When mapping out the connections between characters, Traffic demonstrates the absurdity of yet another extravagantly funded though tragically failing American war - the war on drugs. Soderberg's expertise has created a picture which, at first glance, appears apolitical, though is one of the most convincing and well-structured arguments against this program. In a time when the far right screams at liberals for belittling self-responsibility, perhaps they should adopt similar principles towards drug abuse. It is one of the few issues that should scale beyond political bounds and avoid partisan traps - throwing money at a problem rather than amending what's creating the problem; individual reliance rather than governmental dependence; demanding for politicians to stop lying and admit the truth - though, like most issues, the contradictions have become fixated as third rail partisan issues.

Though as Ebert says, "If the decriminalization of drugs were ever seriously considered in this country, the opponents would include not only high-minded public servants, but also the kingpins of the illegal drug industry."

Below are the maps connecting the characters and story lines of Traffic.

Picture One is self-explanatory. Unfortunately, the arrows aren't legible so I'll write it out (defeating the purpose of making the flow charts, but oh well). Starting from Government and going clockwise.

---Pays off--->

---Tips Off--->

---Arrest--->

---Testifies Against--->

---Works For--->

---Competes With--->

---Bought Off--->

---Who Works With--->

As Eduardo says to Don Cheadle and the other cops moments before getting food poisoning - "You're whole life is pointless...the worst part about you Monty is you realize the futility of what you're doing and you do it anyway...you only got to me because you were tipped off by the Warez Cartel who's trying to break into Tijuana....so remember you work for a drug dealer too." Thus, America's pumping of money towards informants only strengthens their operations and weakens their competition, doing nothing to cut down trafficking as a whole.

Picture Two sums up Michael Douglas's closing speech regarding family as the potential problem beyond cartels or inner-city dealers. Starting at 12:00 (Drug Cartels) and going clockwise.

---Sell to--->

---Sell to--->

---Sell to--->

---Some Who Are--->

---Who Work For--->

---Who Employes--->

---Who Pays off--->

---Who Provide--->

---To Destroy Other--->

Nowadays, movies like Crash, Crossing Over, Babel or various other "interconnected" stories glorify the technique rather than understanding its use. Soderberg used individual vignettes to argue a point. Not for superficial distraction from mediocre stories.

The Sandlot Recut

Trailer Edited by Jon Cvack

No More Table, Pal!

Not all, but many of the greatest scenes ever created take place at a table.

Naturally I speculate upon the significance of this object. What purpose does a table serve that allows so many great scenes to pop out like a premature pimple?

Perhaps it’s because tables allow for distractive consumption amidst conversation, or maybe because they act as physical barriers against personal differences and force individuals into resolution and personal cultivation. Or perhaps, metaphorically, tables are the archetype of support, often designed from the trees which recycle our air and allow the processes of human sustenance to flourish, they serve the function of intellectual utility, in which great ideas blossom in conversation and debate.

Amidst my struggles for an explanation I came to the conclusion that intellectualizing tables was about as stupid as starting a feminist movement and using the “mama grizzly” as a mascot.

Regardless, below are some of the best scenes in film history, which have an added bonus of some pretty nice tables.

In no particular order.

1. Jaws - I'll Never Put on a Table Again

2. 25th Hour - 62th Table

3. Network - There is Only One Holistic System of Table

4. Mulholland Drive - I Had a Dream About this Table

5. Reservoir Dogs - She's Getting Serious Table Action

6. Boogie Nights - In the Master Bedroom, Under the Table

7. Collateral - Spanish Key Table

Part A

Part B

8. American History X - Nazi Table

9. Goodfellas - Funny Like I'm a Table, I Amuse You?

10. The Dark Knight - Enough of this Table

11. Heat - 60 Seconds or Less Table

12. The Godfather - Vespa Table

13. Fargo - I Like You So Much Table

14. A Few Good Men - Walk Softy and Carry an Armored Table

15. Glengarry Glen Ross - All Tables Smell Vaguely of S*&*

16. My Darling Clementine - To Table or Not to Table (Thanks to Ebert)

17. Training Day - You Ever Have Your Table Pushed In?

Table Scenes with No Embed Codes

18. Jurassic Park - I Call It the Rape of the Natural Table

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Nz8YrCC9X8

19. Citizen Kane - You Never Should Have Married a Newspaper Table

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsjX11zpNjU

20. The Deer Hunter - Mao Table!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqakCa-MysE

What's Your Favorite Table Scene?

Note: After spending over two hours uploading and editing in subtitles for a scene from Kurosawa's Ikiru (due to technical difficulties), Toho Film Company reported me to youtube, which resulted in me receiving a warning and threat of shutting down my account. I fail to understand how allowing others to view the greatness of a particular movie scene results in any form of threat. If anything, I have put time and energy into free advertising for the movie. Should someone have liked the scene, they could have rented or purchased the film in its entirety. This type of action is completely irrational and unproductive in acquiring new film audiences and viewers.

Romero Remakes

I may be wrong, but George A. Romero has top prize for the most remakes; Dawn of the Dead, Night of the Living Dead (twice), Day of the Dead and, most recently, The Crazies. Ironically, he has preached his frustration of having become typecast as a horror film director, regardless of the fact that his movies have clearly transcended the bounds of genre cinema. All of his zombie pictures are overt in political theme and social commentary. He has stated that his texts were never meant as grand critiques, perfectly demonstrating the legitimacy of psychoanalytic film theory. He is irrefutability the best horror director that has ever lived, and his films have been remade in the hopes of finding new audiences with similar fears located within the modern zeitgeist. These remakes illustrate that Romero has accomplished his directorial duty with perfection. Rather than attempting to create new narratives, studios rehash the plots of a master. Romero is to horror film what Shakespeare has become to the romantic comedy.

However, when placing the remakes into a ring with the originals, the remakes have proven far superior. Beginning with Night of the Living Dead, although I can respect the low-budget and creativity, I am probably one of the few viewers who prefers the 1990 remake. While such admittance is perhaps based upon the nostalgia of an early seedling of cinematic love, it was nevertheless one of the few horror films I could endure without retreating to my parents bedroom upon the rolling credits. The remake maintains all of the same plot elements, though punches them with better acting, better camera work and realistic gore. Even the concluding montage is far superior, which includes an assemblage of photographs involving the redneck hunters; an ending that directs the viewer into a subjective choice between a joyously tragic or tragically joyous conclusion.

I would discuss the Night of the Living Dead 3D remake, but thirty minutes of torture was more than enough and I never finished the visual garbage.

Dawn of the Dead is both the greatest remake and one of the greatest horror films ever made. Unfortunately, the blue faces and bright red blood of the original have created barriers preventing the procurement of new and modern audiences. Although the original’s opening scene at the television station is one of the most exciting hooks into a story, the remake’s focus on suburban living shifts away from the cliché “first kill” dominant in horror films and into a rising action that is absolutely terrifying in the basis of my personal suburban reality. Most impressive and, yet again receiving top honors, is the introductory title sequence rolling credits alongside Johnny Cash’s “When the Man Comes Around.” This song is like going to the hottest strip club in Vegas the hour before you get laid. I don’t think anybody would move an inch after getting beaten with this type of artistry.

Finally, The Crazies was unequivocally the greatest remake when pitted against the original; it’s like the sexuality of Ingrid Bergman from 1950 against today’s Megan Fox. Yet again. Romero’s original perfectly captured the social sentiment at the peak of Vietnam America. Allegorical images drawn directly from the time period include the Buddhist, Thic Quang Duc, who sets himself on fire amidst the militant chaos. However, the tragically low production quality and uninspired script forced this movie into the back of the line of respectable 1970s dystopic texts. THX1138, Soylent Green and Planet of the Apes amongst many others were far superior, subsequently positioning The Crazies into obscurity until it was resurrected last year. Though once again, it seemed that in the current era of political division and economic/political uncertainty studios have welcomed a revival of its premise. Though where Romero got it wrong, director Breck Eisner and cinematographer Maxime Alexandre created a terrifically realistic portrayal of a small-town pandemic. The remake almost functions as a deconstruction of modern day horror, tricking the audience into believing a cliché pop out, overabundant gore or even certain character developments are going to occur before unleashing countless surprises with new ideas and techniques. It is shot beautifully, and avoids the quick cut, Mtv Editing that dominates and is destroying the genre today.

Where’s Day of the Dead? Well considering it has a 1.6 star suggestive rating for me on Netflix and a 4.3 on imdb, it’s not anywhere near my must-see priorities list. Regardless of whether its decent or not, I rest assured that it fails when placed against the texts above.

In this modern day of cinema, in which new genres are sparse and the horror genre specifically has appeared to plateau and regressed into an endless spew of dystopic narratives, it is clear that instead of inventing new styles future horror directors need to punch up and fix what was lacking in prior texts. I hate that the last ten years of pop cinema has been devoted exclusively to remakes, sequels, prequels and biopics. It is evident that when money can be easily made through recreating a once popular story, there is no incentive to try new ideas. Regardless, The Crazies, Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead illustrate that it is possible to vamp up texts that have become relatively antiquated. I would say this should be done to all future horror remakes, but it seems like that cup is becoming empty (you know its getting bad when Prom Night gets remade). Instead of remaking movies, there should be a focus on recreating scenes that focus upon perfecting past stories or scenes, but didn’t quite hit the mark. People criticize Tarantino for being a thief of film, but to discover these influences requires horrendously boreful research. He doesn’t steal, he amends; all writers and directors need to do the same. Technique is dead, Kubrick/Boyle/Fincher/Welles have all collectively killed it through pushing technique to the utter brink of originality. There must be a regression into great scenes and overall narratives. Use what has been done in the past and ask what can be done to make it better. There is so much invested in remaking entire texts, how about instead we take what didn’t quite work before and repair it? Dawn of the Dead did exactly that; it was phenomenally mature in understanding what was appropriate to maintain and reinvent, while avoiding sensationalized gore like all other horror films were doing.

It’s not that Romero was a bad director, it was that his movies have become such powerful relics in the history of horror and cinema as a whole that individuals respect their need to be retold with modern techniques. Like stories passed down in past ages, the remakes of Romero’s are far greater than any statue could award or recognize. This man has had more of his films remade than any other director. That is an honor I think very few will ever come close to achieving. It proves that contrary to most others, Romero got it right.

The Hurt Locker

“War is hell,” “…for the politicians,” “Born to kill,” “war is addiction”

The Hurt Locker offers a unique and much needed critique of Iraq, avoiding the formulas and clichés provided through Platoon, Full Metal Jacket, Paths of Glory or Saving Private Ryan. These each did it well, but the time for over dramatic monologues is on the pause. The Hurt Locker’s story professes the contradiction of war genre cinema – all the critical truths encompassing the terrors of bloodshed will become meaningless unless the destruction is shown and fetishized. This movie will not scatter pacifist sprinkles atop action-filled sequences; it will let the insanity of James speak for itself; expressing his motives as both genuine and formulaic of alienated culture and unjustified war. This is not the new Platoon (as some say), it’s a refreshing revival of the genre.

Alienated with Marshmallows

Cereal smothers the aisle like the rubble of an IED; cartoon characters shout sugar and berries cuddle with grains. Taste verse nourishment, it cries for a decision. William James pauses in distress; the most difficult decision of the day. He says love as a child can fall upon many things – toys, friends, and affection – adulthood fades into one or two. Some may think his child holds top honor, his wife a distant third. Yet perhaps it’s beyond the infant, and his wife is kept around through accepting the terrific direction of Bill’s true love. The precipice of instant vaporization contains a vastly more passionate affair than home life could ever provide. Love for war is actualized through the pain of absence. Bill levels out at home; like Prozac, there are no thrills, other than cereal and baby play. Therapy is sought through battling his own extinction. While a child should prevent recklessness instead it provides envy and inevitable return to a world of destruction, in which Bill triumphs on a daily basis and selfishly lives the only form of existence he will ever understand.

I Know It Hurts

Should Kathryn Bigelow win the Oscar, her and Obama should have a beer and discuss unwarranted praise. Tarantino has perfected the balance between dialogue and coverage; Cameron has led a revolution of visual austerity; Bigelow has failed to live up to this level of genius. Oscars should never award history, only talent. I would say give the film a best cinematography statue, but Mauro Fiore is far more deserving. I would say give it a best screenplay, but considering it sticks within an action-based narrative, the writing is only average and Tarantino is the far greater craftsman. And for the same reason Kathryn shouldn’t get the Oscar just because she’s a woman, Jeff Bridges shouldn’t get the award because he plagiarized Mickey Rourke’s role in The Wrestler. Give the statue to Jeremy Renner, his unknown status and greatly subjective performance is far superior.

Rating: Four out of Four Uncuttable Padlocks

Up

The Role of the Idol

Reverence for an idea, like a person, inevitably disappoints in delivery. Expectations are constructed through each product of genius, distorting the line between fact and fantasy. It is near impossible to accept the little which divides us from those who enact our dreams. Part of the fantasy is to see the person as beyond human, that the greatness extends beyond the situated ground of most. But success is not provided through divine right, it is self-selection; the courage to veer away from the trampled soil of countless lives prior.

Carl and Eli, brought together through the worship of an idol, let the dreams fade in favor of passion. The new adventure was endearing monotony, and come her death, the sacrifice resulted in lonely discontentment and bitterness. This couple displayed the impossibility of stagnation. The house was purchased because of proximity, to all the amenities that compliment rather than build upon love. But progress does not pause for the individual, and the beauty of a renovated home returned to decay. Cheap thrills, quick dollars, rapidity all attack the senses of an old man who longs to enter a memory.

During the moments when melancholy fails to compete with exterior development, dreams return - without the parental anxiety, or the carefree pursuits of youth or the loving restrictions of marriage – and the mature mind can finally embrace the fantasy once desired. Yet just as that which surrounds us changes us, the dreams that provided grounding change in scope. Balloons cannot distort time, or place us into the memories which fill our thoughts because these memories were created through maintaining the fantasy, the hero, the dream of childhood. And through sharing this unattainable majesty with another, love can trump adventure in favor of becoming adventure itself. The Angel Falls connected Carl to Eli, and as it changed him from a shy young boy into a passionate old man, it directed him into accepting the necessity to keep living, illustrating that the arrival of an old dream is never as good as the journey.